Note to Self: Don't be a Double Dumper

Are you a sip stealer? Or worse, a double dumper? Do you drive barefoot? How 'bout braless? (I’ll bet you didn’t even know that one of these is grounds for a citation). If you’ve ever been a little deceptive, did you justify your actions by referring to yourself as an “opportunist” rather than a liar? If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, you are a dishonest slouch. Just kidding. Well, sort of.

In a society which encourages self-promotion and looking out for number one, it is sometimes easy to abandon our moral character, even momentarily, in order to make our lives a little easier. We “euphemize” this, we rationalize that, and before we know it--BAM! We are down-right-total-jerks. And I don’t know about you, but I know enough of those. So, in order to do my part and help reign-in what President Bush might call our country’s, kinda crazy and outta control standards, I would like to address two dishonesty rituals which are, to me, the most intriguing: sip stealing, and double dumping.

Sip stealing has become such a common practice in this country that it is the subject of a recent t.v. commercial which points out that sip stealing is not a felony in any of the fifty states. The vivid portrayal even goes so far as to show a teenage boy engaging in this seemingly harmless practice at a self-serve soda fountain. He serves...he sips...he serves...he sips, eventually walking away, leaving the topless cup without an owner. What’s worse is that the ad fails to show the restaurant worker who is then required to refill the syrup in the soda machine three-point-five-seconds sooner than he would have needed to otherwise. Did you hear that? Three-point-five-seconds! That’s the same amount of time it would have taken the worker to fill the customer’s cup in the first place!#@*!

So, what about the innocent people who are affected by the selfish acts of the sip stealer? Who’s looking out for them, huh? Sure, it might seem like a trivial breech of honesty, but think about it. They are not only stealing soda. They are stealing others’ precious time!

Moving on to yet another peevish practice...
I have been wanting to speak to the issue of double dumping ever since I realized it was taking place in my neighborhood. Yes, I hate to admit it, but there are some of my friends and associates who are guilty of this less-than-honest practice on a weekly basis. Ironically, it all begins late, Sunday evening. First, they overstuff their gagillion gallon garbage cans full of the week’s trash. Next, they use the wheels (which are provided for their convenience, mind you) to roll their cans across the street for the early-morning pick up. Then, around nine o’clock the following morning, they tiptoe (usually barefoot) across the street, and, using the same wheels of convenience, roll their garbage cans back to their own curb for the afternoon pick up. Now, I know they are probably tiptoeing because their feet are cold on the morning-chilled concrete, but it gives such a sneaky, deceptive appearance that I can hardly bear to watch it. Thank goodness my kids are in school when it all takes place! I would hate to try and explain to them how ones integrity can be easily discarded for eight bucks—the price of a second trash can in our city.

Now, I know that every day is filled with moral dilemmas for each of us. I just hope the next time you are faced with one, you will ask yourself this question: Am going to I let my integrity slip away, sip by sip, or will I dump it--one load at a time? You can also take a less sentimental approach by asking yourself, Just how big of a jerk am I?

P.S. Barefoot driving is grounds for citation in some states--bras, completely optional in all fifty.