Monday, January 9, 2012

Sticks and Stones May Break my Bones but Cracks and Rolls Incite Me!

For my friends who are worried they might be one of The People of Walmart...

The People of Walmart Criteria:

1. Expose either the top 1/3 (crack region) or the bottom 1/3 (cheeky region) of one's gluteus maximus--cellulite, optional.

2. Wear a printed t-shirt (or tattoo) containing an x-rated picture, at least one vulgarity, or a crude message one might expect to see within the corridors of a junior high...or prison.

3. Have what can only be described as an "Imodium moment" in the store or parking lot, then knowingly wear (or leave) the evidence thereof for all other shoppers to see.

4. Resemble Santa Claus--on or off duty.

5. Share one or more fat rolls by allowing them to ooze from the restrictive bands of one's apparel--"apparel" being a relative term.

6. Leave nothing to the imagination for the occasional shopper who might be thinking: I wonder what kind of underwear he/she is wearing.

7. Dress in costume, preferably with Star Wars or slut overtones. Combine them to make The People of Walmart Hall of Fame.

8. Shop with a monkey, raccoon, small dog, lizard, or child perched precariously in one's apparel or attached to one's breast.

9. Have an overabundant mass of body hair visible for all to see (or touch if they so desire).

10. Dress or act in any manner that causes no fewer than ten patrons to wonder if you have lost a bet.

To the people who spend their time taking and posting these photos, complete with foul and debasing comments: You have almost as much class as the people you mock. You could learn a few things from Sam Walton himself when he said: Live Better.
That's code for: Get a life!


Teri said...

That's why I avoid Walmart! Love your writing, Chris.

CC Thompson said...

Glad you like this one, Teri! I was not aware of the People of Walmart until Jon and Chris enlightened me at our reunion dinner the other night. Oh my. The only thing worse than the pictures are the terrible comments and captions underneath them.

RoMo said...

You're baaaaad.

CC Thompson said...

Have you seen this raunchy website? I couldn't even view all the photos they were so bad. But seriously, the comments are worse than the pictures. Can't imagine spending the time stalking these people, documenting w/ photos, and then berating them online. It's a whole other level of crazy!